It comes back...i have nearly no art in my one room - the monk's cell where so much happens it is absurd but nothing ever happens at all and anyway my whole day is always set to hurry....et out when the sun is shining to the old wall where it can all be soaked up....
now...
where i have been told in the past i do write rather well.... (the cell)
But that year.... (i didn't tell her something that i was so suffering from that had been the case the few before..i never ,moan about my body... bodies are, humans moan....). a few months later i printed out one photorapth and stucjk itt on this old woodwork in front of me now...
a picture of someone sat on a chair her head cocked to one side... and she always manages 'that ' look.... like ennui ....she knows better than really wanting to be here even if she must....
which is my opinion and doubtless wrong impression. And impressions can trick us into narcissistic failure. But i also know one thing. Vaccination against that is only by actions. Only actions matter. I have only ever printed out one photograph of anyone older than 23 .... and the actions done .... to me, especially that year a few months later. Would have killed anyone else. Not only would i not for myself wish one millisecond had been different, but i also know that true Odyssian trials and tribulations, if you survive them, means you could even stare down the errant Penelope at the end.... and just enjoy what is left.... really enjoy, no matter what else, laugh at all difference and difference ...leftover for the one whom..... well i better open it....but i cannot...
I need to die this second.
Come back and know that whilst it was Tangled for years, a few years ago....
from LA Grande Belazza and i have only ever seen one whom those words applied to sat on her chair was it the day The Queen was around....
I would have on my front cover of that book...
Anyway dream on, but this became my new funeral song that year too...nothing to do with anyone else, just me...
and no one reads this who knows me.... so this is just for me... even if only one word from someone else put it all - every single little moment of it all...into one perfect word. NO English could even understand ... then how apt that word...was... i do love people who can find a splendid right word now and again...only life - real life, can give the esteem and poise and grace to manage that...
very quietly ..only song at my funeral please..... and find mine.... i lost her.... but that's ok...some you win...some you do...lose... life.
