15 Nov 2021

 In fact that is the 'setting' I could not really know is right until just now. Seven years... I have so often sought to have such an hour. The puturest possible hour despite her look... there is a that look.. You have either seen it or not.

The only god of the word is right, was... I must find the passage in his 335 page no line breaks even, most gorgeous ever rant - the only intelectual rant of last century as he goes everywhere no one ese managed, by not taking any pictures at all of the only thing desired for seven years that just like that out of the blue - i never even read her morning email assuming more evasion,  became a perfect dream in realtime, and my jaw does not drop, neigh only once ever, the mental images  are all so so more vibrant and feel sustaining and enjoyable. All will never be forgotten. Nor fiddled with, artificially enhanced, or defaced. Or used by someone else as evidence ....of...what? of course i cannot know. I am merely a man.   But i do know a real last. Two in one week, flip, this is absurd .... fuck off black swan i don't need you any more. i get it i really really do. 

So yes Thomas was right i did know and he would be turning in his grave but maybe you have to go 'through' the age he so ranted at all these pictures, then... early 80s as he rit I mean would he have blown a fuse had he known what would come soon....

But then all fuses are just accesories. A small part in something ineffable and never ever predictable medium term. maybe we have to take hundreds of thousands of his hated anti-civilisation  pictures to know why sometimes it is best to not. 

Which also is a saudade... of sorts. Of course that 'look' can be experienced once more. I just gotta make her know ... I am pure? useful?  - the genuine variety... impossible to buy...?. my my this certainly is a 'work' in progress ... live action.... better stick in some other stories too as they bolt if they think it's only actually about them. especially when it isn't. All the rest are in her too. Every step and Miss Step..  

But it is only really about  that one word. Her word. It is not true. It is a smokescreen and fogs the lens. That lass she is far more aware and alive than any other child I have known and i have known many.  And the why even she speaks so is actually what this really is about. That'll be a hard bag of dots to chuck onto the canvas and join up. But as it has been my life's work well for at least 27 years i may just manage we shall see. Probably not as just thinking about such a 'closure' has made me feel bored and uncomfortable. We shall see.