there always is a sequence
I hate sequins but wouldn't even notice them on her, if i knew someone had noticed something once - all other would have not.
The sequence. Is. At this desk.
I have to write down first what my duty is
(picture of a desk February 2018 and one candle and one fountain pen and a thirty five page letter - i did take a fair few - it is real, i never stage anything i do not believe in staging things i only believe in what i know for sure is right, now, and this be it....
i enjoyed writing....
but did not include one truth that i had been suffering badly with a completely out of character, like me the healthiest rambler ever, but three years a bug had really floored me and that was the third winter it would not budge... i thought i would not make it through that winter and that is freedom and complete liberation, and focus, knowing exactly what one does want...and why...if she were to be the last...
and then it budged a few months later....because i started walking even more...no matter what.....or was it something else? some impossible to understand cloud had been over me and fait accompli even if the saddest most poignantly not very nuanced fait accompli a man can endure....nevertheless cleared up that little issue.....and my friendly symbiotic range of creatures quite happily in there for three years ...vanished just like that)
provisional to do images can be in purple - some say the colour of truth.
But for now, it is all very well noticing things, but when i encounter that far far more attractive than mere love, someone to value, and even better maybe even have purpose with or for.... both are the same if you know why you value that person, and why... i remember every word. And recommendation in respect of the arts....
talk about a million times better than that chubby English export and her moaning Adele, i wouldn't trust to sell me a designer mask it would likely be made of rotten fabric stolen from a baby's nappy...well used...
But there's the rub even if there's maybe a better version
A tad more grace and power as only Les Grandes Belazzas.... can be ...
Even with their so bored sultry looks...
This damn three letter word. The only question i have on my desk, before i open it....
I must write it as i think i have the solution. Because i cannot lie that is all wrong i cannot not say to the hurt young one so self harm lost in rumpus as they all are in many Western places " i have had the happiest and healthiest few years of life....since... well once i got over that little bomb and i even found silver lining in that..."
But i may not be able to say it.
But i cannot lie and say the opposite...
But maybe have to...
I do not know....how to play three dimensional chess with a damaged younger mind....
But i do know a truth.
And maybe that may substitute.
And i know one thing she cannot find this so it will be hidden forever and secret just...a few..
But a truth, if....
oh god that's got me going youre not allowed to have thought like this where i live and one mention of the word 'if' and we have the greatest culture ever no bloody foreigner could ever equal...ever... and certainly no pretend sassy European or Italian sultry scene designer...
stupid google censors itself just cos theres some real English action innit
which as always brings us back to brexit, the sad little perverts of the English private school....Golsmith Rowland ..Tiny... Mogg Farage the lot are a type....had to knock over everyones nice table of splendid quiet tea...i never drink
because they had not enough time with mum...at her tit. That's what you get when a childhood attachment is damaged.
which is what happened.
Anyway back to the wreckage. Lie...? Or omit a truth and deflect it with a true silver lining:
"up above the clouds on my way to see you.... no matter what you thought, or did.... I met someone who no matter what i could not say is the most inspiring and valuable person i ever encountered....so no matter what I needed to come... 'duel purpose' i always say, 'duel purpose'... [and the nuance behind that is about three chapters in length to begin to describe, but i have elsewhere]"
